Duo-ese Translated into English! Volume I
by Shinigami no Kamikaze
Summary: aka SnK tries humor yet again ... a guide that lets you know what Duo is specifically trying to tell you when he says he's bored... yoai, cussing, and a lame attempt at humor, everyone!


Kilik:SnK does not own Gundam Wing, the ability to make people laugh, or a sense of morality.  
SnK:I just needed a short intermission from all the angst I've been writing!  
Kilik:A friendly reminder to everyone, pathetic attempts at humor, yoai (because she just had to write that intro.... *sigh*), and swearing. Enjoy!  
  
  
Duo-ese translated into English, Volume I  
(A Handy Guide complied by Heero Yuy with help from Shinigami no Kamikaze)  
  
Introduction (by Heero Yuy):  
  
During my years with Duo, as both his fellow Gundam Pilot and as his lover, I have noticed that Duo will say one thing, and mean another. Another thing I have notied is he gets very upset when you don't understand what he means. I love Duo, and I am very unpleased when he is upset. I am also very unpleased when I don't get lucky because he is upset. Therefore, if you are caught upsetting my koi, I will have to kill you.  
  
Since you probably do not want this to happen, I have written this guide so that when you encounter Duo, you are able to cater to his needs, and no one will have to be hurt in a horrbly slow and angonizing way.  
  
----  
  
*Gerenal Terms and Expressions*  
What Duo Says = What Duo Means  
  
I want = I want that, and I want it bad enough to continue to ask you for an hour or more, depending on how long it takes for me to finally convince you it is easier for you to just give me what I want. If you give it to me (if it's a material item), I assure you at least 5 minutes of peace before I get bored with it. Anything above five minutes is a bonus. If I have been bugging you for 2+ hours, whatever I said I wanted will no longer hold intrest for me at all, and the process will start again with something new.  
  
You want = You want to get that and give it to me, don't you?  
  
I need = I will stop at nothing to get  
  
I'm bored = Everything is perfectly fine and peaceful. Since I cannot stand it being peaceful, talk to me before I am forced to create mayhem.   
  
I'm hungry = Do anything you can to find me food, and find it fast. You will not like me when I'm starving.  
  
I'm starving = I need food, and I need it now. Since you've ignored my warning you, I will not be held responsible for the actions I will take so that I may have something to eat. If need be, I will reach into my pocket for the metal case in which my emergency supply of sugar is stored, and eat some so I will have the energy to wreck your entire home/office/base/store/restuarant in the search for food. If none is to be found, I'm forcing you to go out and buy me some.  
  
Just kidding! = Don't kill me  
  
Touch my braid and die = Touch, breathe on, or look at my braid wrong and die.  
  
Sorry... sheesh.... = You have no sense of humor.   
  
You're so cool, [your name here]! You know I'm your buddy, right? = I've just done something you won't like.  
  
You wouldn't hurt me, would you? = I've just destoryed something you cherish and/or spent a large amount of time and energy on... and you've got me caught without an escape route  
  
That wasn't necessary, [your name here]! = I know I've done something wrong, but you went too far. I will publically humiliate you for this.  
  
You'll regret this = You'll regret the day you were born.  
  
*When answering the question, "Are you hurt?"*  
  
I'm fine = My God!!! The PAIN! It burns, it burns!!! If you have any mercy in your soul, you'll kill me now!  
  
No = ARRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!! Shit! Shit! Shit!! It's agonizing....There is no fucking way I can even say "I'm fine" without my voice going out on me. I doubt I can stay conscious much longer..  
  
I'll be alright = I can't feel anything... that probably isn't a good thing...  
  
Go away = I just hurt myself doing something stupid. Let me retain some dignity by pretending that this never occured.  
  
Kiss it and make it better = I'm perfectly fine.  
  
Yes = I've got less than an hour to live.  
  
... = I hope you know CPR, because I've gone into cardiac arrest (Heero Yuy's Note: This is probably applicable even when you are not asking him, "Are you hurt?" When silence is heard from Duo, make sure he's still breathing before doing anything else. If he dies because you didn't notice he was in trouble, expect to be force fed your own kidneys.)  
  
*In response to the question, "Are you hungry?"*  
  
No = I'm either hurt/sick/dying. Find out what is wrong, and help me!  
  
Yes = Didn't you get the hint when I knocked you unconscious, and when you woke up you were lying face down in a phone book with my favorite pizza place circled?  
  
I already ate = I am so angry with you, I do not even want your face around me when I go out on my own to eat (because, now that you mention it, I am hungry) , lest I get sick.  
  
*In response to "What's wrong?"*  
  
Nothing! = Everything  
  
nothin'... = I'm bored (see definition of "I'm bored")  
  
Nothing, why? = I'm fine  
  
Nothing, really... = I'm pissed off at you.  
  
Leave me alone = I'm really, really pissed off at you. Right now, I'm plotting my revenge against you. Go away so I can finish.  
  
*While in the car*  
  
Are we there yet? = I'm bored (see definition of "I'm bored")  
  
100 bottles of beer on the wall, 100 bottles of beer...(continue to finish of song or driver's insanity, whichever comes first) = You're taking me somewhere I don't want to be, but since you're my friend, I won't kill you. However, I'll make sure you suffer now. Hopefully, I may even piss you off to the point where you'll pull over to yell at me. Since you're stopped, I'm be able to jump out of the car and run to FREEDOM!  
  
Can we stop to eat? = (see definiton of "I'm hungry")  
  
Can we please stop for a break? = I've been cramped up in a car for too long. Being the energy full person that I am, if we don't stop, I'll have to find creative methods to use my pent up energy lest I explode. You will not like my methods, and neither will the police.  
  
I have to use the restroom = I'm Duo Maxwell, and I don't lie. Find me one, or soon you won't like me.  
  
I really need to piss!! = I know I've made you stop this car at least five times within the past 2 hours... but I am not kidding with you. Hell, just pull over and I'll piss on the side of the road. Please, or you seriously will not be happy with the consequences.  
  
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP THE CAR! = I need to piss, and I need to piss -now-. I've lot count of how many times I've told you. And don't try to hand me anything to releave myself in, because I assure you, I've got more urine than it'll hold. Between letting my blatter burst and pissing in your car (because, if it was my car, I'd be driving, and if I was driving, I'd've had the good sense to stop for people who need to use the bathroom), I will chose pissing in your car. Don't say I didn't warn you.  
  
  
~~~end  
  
SnK:Pathetic, huh...? I don't think anyone else has done something like that.. but if so, sorry! ... And expect to see some more of this type of torture (like hearing some of Duo's interpretations of the at least 24 seperate ways Heero says, "Hn"... or any other thing I write with the intention of being humorous) when I've written tons and tons of angst, and need to have a small break, so I can devise new ways to torture people in my ficcys, or I get wired on caffine and/or sugar....  
Kilik:Sugar and an Offspring CD is where "Want You Bad" came from.  
SnK:*nods* Aaaaanyway, review, so I know if I should post stuff like this I write. It also makes me feel special, and if I don't get any reviews, I get sad (...and when I get sad, I tend to kill people in angsty fics of mine...).... please review....  
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please?  
  
  



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